When Parenting Feels Like a Missed Drive-Thru Order
Have you ever pulled away from a drive-thru, only to realize your order is completely wrong? You’re already miles down the road with a car full of hungry kids, and the fries are missing, the sauce is wrong, and nobody got what they asked for.
Cue frustration, maybe a little anger, and definitely some grumbling. I’ve had that exact experience and not just with fast food. I’ve had it in my parenting. I had expectations. Big ones. I thought if I loved well, taught well, and showed up consistently, things would eventually fall into place. But I quickly learned: unmet expectations can lead to resentment… and resentment can lead to burnout.
When you stepped into foster care, adoption, or kinship parenting, what were your expectations?
That the kids would be grateful?
That your parenting style would work like it always had?
That you would have a ton of support?
That love would be enough?
I had them too. And I’ve learned over and over that when expectations collide with reality, it’s not the child that needs to change first, it’s often my heart that needs adjusting. In 1 Samuel 17, King Saul tried to give David his armor before sending him to fight Goliath. It was a generous gesture and well-intended. But David couldn’t function under the weight of armor that wasn’t made for him.
That story hits home for me as a parent. We’ve used parenting tools that worked for our biological children and expected the same results with kids who came to us from hard places. But just like David, every kid has unique needs. They’ve faced battles we haven’t. They need parenting designed for their hearts remembering their stories. We have to know what our children need and that takes time, reflection, and the willingness to lay down our own preferences seeking God for wisdom and discernment as their parents.
But here’s the kicker… in order to be attuned to a child’s needs, we have to create margin in our lives. You know what I realized? I wasn’t always reacting poorly because I lacked love. I was reacting poorly because I lacked rest. I was overcommitted, overstimulated, and emotionally depleted. I was trying to pour out from a dry well.
Margin is simply this: space to breathe. It’s the buffer that allows me to respond with compassion instead of snapping. It’s the margin that lets me show up calmly when a meltdown hits at bedtime. It’s the margin that gives room for the Holy Spirit to move rather than me trying to force something out of thin air.
One night, I sat down and did a simple inventory of my life. I asked myself some questions. What good things am I doing that are robbing me of the best things? What am I saying “yes” to that God never asked me to carry?
The answers were sobering. I had to lay some things down. Not forever, but for the moment. Parenting precious, complex children requires a version of me that is rested, grounded, and focused. Remember, you are not a bad parent because you’re overwhelmed. You are not faithless because you need to create margin. You are human. And God, in His kindness, calls us to healthy rhythms.
The investment you’re making now in your child’s healing and in your own growth will echo into eternity. Take a deep breath, evaluate your expectations, find your margin, and know that God is walking this journey with you.
