What’s under the surface?
As a foster, adoptive, or kinship parent or ministry leader, you carry a weight that’s hard to describe. While others might see you as a helper, an advocate, or warrior, you often feel isolated, longing to be seen, heard, and understood. It’s a high calling with deep purpose, but let’s be honest: the days can be long, the behaviors baffling, and the systems frustrating.
And in that swirl of stress, our bodies speak.
When the pressure builds—when the kids are melting down, the caseworker misses a call, or you’re overwhelmed by your weariness—your body naturally tries to protect you. That’s what stress responses are for. God wired our bodies to respond to danger, whether real or perceived, to find safety and regain control. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn aren’t signs of failure—they’re signs of being human.
But when these stress responses are triggered again and again, they can become habits. And when that happens, our reactions—both ours and our children’s—can seem out of proportion to the moment. We yell when we meant to comfort. They hide when we offer help. We freeze when action is needed. They comply when they’re actually hurting.
Here’s the thing: there’s always meaning behind behaviors. What you see on the surface is only a small part of what’s really going on.
Ever snapped at someone when you were hangry? Gone silent when you felt rejected? Made a questionable decision when embarrassed? We’ve all done it. Even biblical heroes struggled in times of stress:
Fight: Peter drew his sword. King Saul lashed out.
Flight: Adam and Eve hid. Elijah ran. Abraham lied. Jonah jumped ship.
Freeze: The Israelites stood frozen at the Red Sea. Tamar isolated.
Fawn: Leah longed for Jacob’s love. Martha tried to control by serving.
God didn’t abandon them in their stress, and He won’t abandon you or your child either.
So, what do we do? We begin with recognition. Recognize your own stress response. Recognize your child’s. Then, instead of reacting to behavior, respond to the need underneath it. That’s where growth happens—for both of you.
When we parent with this lens, we don’t excuse behaviors—we see them with compassion. We create safety, foster connection, and open the door for discipleship. We point them not to perfection but to the Person of Jesus—our safe place, our healer, our teacher.
Because our job isn’t to fix our kids, it’s to walk with them, just as Jesus walks with us.
Reflection Questions:
What makes you feel stressed?
What is your default stress response—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn?
What cues tell you that your child is stressed?
How can you remind yourself that behaviors are just the tip of the iceberg?
How can you create safety and connection the next time stress arises?
Take a deep breath. You’re not alone. You’re not failing. You’re learning—and so are they. Keep pointing them to Jesus. He’s the One who restores.
To learn more about trauma-responsive parenting and ministry, visit the website, which offers resources like the ten-week study Resounding Christ through Trauma Responsiveness.
